Caraphernalia
by bs13
Summary: Being alone isn't something rare here. In fact, having a family is what is becoming rare. But even though I'm not alone- not technically- I feel like I am. They tell me it's not my fault for all their deaths, but I don't believe them. I'm just another person dying slowly inside and out. (Zombie apocalypse AU, slight Peeta/Katniss).


**Oooh I don't even know, people, this is just...here. I really wanted to add Haymitch somewhere, and Effie, too, but I couldn't. In fact, this whole thing is really just using a few Hunger Games characters are writing them in an AU that I found awesome.**

**GO CHECK OUT THE STORY THAT INSPIRED ME TO WRITE THIS. It's "Disasterology" by Florairmatylee.**

**Info: stuff in italics is flashbacks, everything else is in order. It's also slight Peeta/Katniss but mostly zombie AU angst.**

**...Disclaimer: I don't own the Hunger Games.**

* * *

The taste of blood permeates my mouth as my chin scrapes the ground, my gun clattering to my side. Gasping heavily, I place my palms flat on the cold gravel surface of the dirt and try to push myself up, but my arms quiver and I find that I cannot hold myself up. My head pounds with every breath I take, and I want to drift off into oblivion so badly as my face meets the gravel once more.

I grab blindly at my gun, but my stiff, cold fingers won't work. I'm stuck on the ground, gasping to breathe, and I can feel my death looming over my head. There's no hope for me now, unless I find some way to get myself up and moving- or more accurately: up, moving, and shooting.

"Katniss! Katniiiiiss!"

My foggy mind barely processes that someone is calling my name. A rough hand grabs my forearm and jerks me upward, sending a fresh wave of pain to my body as it recieves the unwelcome movement. I stagger into the person's arms, and I gaze with my half-lidded eyes to see none other than Peeta Mellark holding me.

"Are you mad?!" he yells, and he shoves me roughly away. "Run! Go, get out of here! _Run_!"

I hear their moans and heavy way of walking even before I see their shadowy figures, their arms outstretched dumbly yet menacingly. With nothing but blind terror cursing through my veins, I run blindly away as far as my bruised and battered body can take me.

It's not until I'm behind an alley wall, panting and spitting up blood, that I remember Peeta.

"Peeta?" I gasp as loudly as I dare. And then, louder: "_Peeta_!"

There's no response.

_No. No, this cannot be happening._

My head reels and I stagger blindly for a while before I hunch over and throw up. My body screams in pain as I do so, and I know that even though Peeta saved me when I was on the floor, I'm going to die today anyway.

**BANG.**

**BANG.**

**BANG.**

Three dead, or at least slowed.

"_Peeta! Peeta! Where the fuck are you?!_"

I recognize the person's voice.

"J-Johanna!" I call, my voice cracking pathetically in between.

I'm cut off as someone drags me down painfully. I react quickly, kicking the person in the chest and yanking out the knife I thought useless before. The person's neck that is beneath my blade doesn't even shake, and that's when I realize who it is.

"Gale," I breathe.

"What the hell are you doing?" Gale asks, unfazed. "You're an easy target, sitting out in the open, especially since we're about to be surrounded if we don't get out of here." He has a horrible gash on his forehead and his face is smudged with dirt, making him appear more grim than the old best friend I used to know.

"I know," I grumble before I can stop myself.

"Next time, stick closer to the group so you don't get seperated," Gale reprimands harshly, but he breaks into a smile that lets me know he's on my side. "Peeta was sent to get you, but it seems you found us yourself. Hopefully he'll get back soon, because we need to leave now."

I have to stop and stare at him for a while.

"Peeta..." I start what would be a sentence, but it fails horribly. "He saved me, but he didn't- he didn't come after me. I don't know if- if he's coming after me, or even if he..." Even though I don't finish, Gale knows.

"Come on," he says gravely. "Let's get out of here."

"But Peeta might still be out there," I say pointedly.

"Katniss, we're about to be surrounded by ruthless zombies. We don't have time-"

"Then you go. I'll wait, in case he comes this way."

Gale's face falls.

"Katniss, I'm not going to argue with you. Get the _fuck_ out of here."

"Gale-"

"Now!" Gale shoves me angrily.

"But-"

"_Now_!"

**BANG_._**

This shot is much louder, which indicates that the shooter is nearby. I hear an anguished yell, and a group of ragtag individuals come skidding to a halt when they see us. It's our zombie hunting team, which consists of a few people we've gotten to know since the zombie apocalypse: my sister Prim, Rue, Finnick, Annie, and Johanna. Of course, there's myself, Gale, and Peeta as well, so we're a rather large group.

"Fucking hell," Johanna swears when she sees us. "Where's Peeta?"

Gale shakes his head, and they know.

"We're kind of being chased," Finnick says bluntly, changing the subject. "Maybe we should-?"

"Shit," Johanna mutters. "Okay, it's clear we gotta abort the mission. Obviously there are too many zombies around to go and get supplies from the warehouse. We have to break into a house somewhere to stay. When I give the signal, all of you make a run towards down this alley. Everyone armed?"

Everyone mutters agreement except for me. Gale hands me one of his spare pistols, and we take off running. The cold air is already stinging my eyes as we run wildly away, but as we spot a house, I realize that tears are falling off my face, and not just of the wind.

These tears are of shame, and of guilt. I let Peeta die out there, and it's already haunting me. He saved my life, and I took his. The sad part is, he's already saved me more than once, and I never thanked him. I can never thank him for this time, either.

* * *

_"Go away, you filthy girl!" The woman hissed. "The zombies wil be at our door if you don't!"_

_I staggered backwards, horrified. I had seen enough zombies- and what they do- to be deathly scared of what her words could mean. A zombie had killed my father, and my best friend Gale's father as well, which made it all a more touchy subject._

_I turned away sadly from what used to be the bakery, with no scraps to take home to my mother and Prim. My mother was already off the deep end, not bothering to respond to us anymore since my father's death, but without food she was slowly withering away. Prim's once full cheeks were now hollowed and her face so pale that I feared for her even more._

_As the truth sank in-_ I had nothing to take home_- I dropped to my knees and cried._

_After a few minutes of wallowing in self-pity, I heard the bakery door open again, and I hurriedly got on my feet, scared that a zombie had found me. Instead, I recognized a boy who was in my grade right before the zombie outbreak began standing there. His name was Peeta, and I knew that much, but I wondered why he was outside. He then walked right over to me, dropped a loaf of bread before me, and then hurried back into the bakery silently._

_Without thinking it over, I took the bread and ran away._

_I took what would save my life from the boy with the bread._

* * *

"How'd you even lose Peeta?" Johanna asks as we board up the house we've occupied. She has never been one to keep any sensitive subjects untouched; she's as blunt as any person can be.

"I fell," I recall, "and he dragged me up and told me to run. I didn't notice he wasn't behind me."

There's a moment of silence that is broken when Annie begins to sob loudly. Finnick comes and holds her, looking like he wants to cry too. Johanna mumbles something inaudible before she leaves, probably to scope the house out. Prim and Rue hug each other and cry as well. Gale looks at me, maybe to check if I'm crying, but even though he sees that I'm not anymore, he takes my hand anyway.

"It's not your fault, Katniss," he says as if I need condolence over this.

I leave the room.

I enter an empty room that once belonged to a little girl. I run my fingers over cloth dolls with red yarn hair, feeling slightly upset at the sight. My mind analyzes everything; the way the bed is rumpled, the dolls thrown about, and the cracked window all indicate some kind of fight went on in here, and I almost shudder when I think of what must've been the little girl's fate.

The door cracks open and Prim's blond head pokes into the room.

"Hi," she says softly.

"Hey," I mumble back as my hands jerk away from the dolls.

Prim sits down on the messed up bed, which groans under her weight, even if she can't weigh more than eighty pounds. She pushes back her scraggly, dirty hair as she surveys the room quietly, not daring herself to speak, even though I know why she's here.

"You know I'm okay," I say as carefully as I can. "Don't worry."

Prim looks at me with her sad blue eyes, which are suddenly teary.

"Katniss," she says, and her voice breaks and her body shudders. "When you were separated from the group and chased by those zombies, I- I was really scared. I didn't know what would happen to you, or to Peeta."

I cautiously sit down next to her and place two arms around her trembling body.

"It's alright, Prim," I say as gently as I can. "I won't do that again."

"But Peeta's gone," Prim says through tears. "He's- he's _dead_."

I fall silent. I can't offer condolence for that; it's not my place.

"I know," I say quietly, and Prim cries harder, burying her face into my shirt, not even caring that it's soaked with sweat and dirt. Apparently she hadn't cried herself out with Rue, the way she cries so hard now.

"Why _Peeta_?" Prim wails. "W-why?!"

I look down at her, so small and frail in my arms, which her dirt-smudged face and unkempt hair, and I have to swallow the lump that forms in my throat as my chest rises and falls heavily.

I decide to let her cry without saying anything else. After all, actions speak louder than words.

* * *

The next morning, Johanna wakes me up.

"Get up, brainless," she deadpans when I open my eyes. "It's late."

I groggily sit up. Prim has left the bed by now, which must mean it _is_ pretty late. I shuffle out into what used to be a living room and find that the others are gathered on a couch that is falling apart, all of them eating from cans.

"We found some canned food," Rue explains when she sees me come in. "They're over by the sink."

Even as I go over to get one, I can feel her eyes on my back. Just as she is as young as Prim is, Rue also has that ability to tell when you're not feeling well, and has the same sweet-faced look that makes you want to cave to some imaginary conversation.

I pick out a can that has lamb stew, ignoring Rue's look. I vaguely remember that it's Peeta's favorite as well as mine, and somehow that thought comes to me as I'm beginning to eat it, which then makes me choke on it.

"Okay, losers, here's the deal," Johanna says briskly as she enters the living room herself. "We've gotten pretty far from the zombies, but eventually some of them will pick up that we're here. My plan is that we get out as fast as we can and go someplace farther as long as we've got a head start."

I stare at her harder than I intend to. She may be our group's leader, but even I am put off that she wants to get moving so soon after Peeta's death- or what might be his death. There's not even any _certainty_ on Peeta's fate, but for all they now, there is.

"We'd better go armed," Gale interjects.

"What'd you think, we'd go around naked?" Johanna quips. "Come on, everyone get moving."

"All this moving around has me missing precious beauty sleep," Finnick complains.

"That's okay, it ain't working for you anyway," Johanna mocks.

Annie looks from Finnick to Johanna, suddenly fearful there's going to be a fight, even though Finnick loves Johanna like a sister and doesn't mind when she teases him. Annie's just naïve and insane like that; she went crazy when a zombie bit her brother's head off, and she's been like that ever since.

"But Johanna," Prim says weakly, "what about Peeta?"

At his name, Johann's face hardens.

"What about him?" she asks gruffly.

"He- he died so soon," Prim says, and she shrinks a little, suddenly afraid.

"Oh, yes, because I'm going to keep that in mind," Johanna snaps, and her voice drips with sarcasm. "In case you haven't noticed, we're all going to be dead if we don't keep moving, and even though we lost Peeta, that's no excuse to stall anything."

"But you loved him, didn't you?" Prim's eyes fill with tears. "We all did. Shouldn't we-"

"Shut up," Johanna cuts her off angrily. "Don't try and turn this on me as if I'm doing something wrong."

"Hey, she's just a kid," Gale interrupts. "Don't blame her."

"I'm twelve," Prim counters, but her words are lost as Johanna continues angrily.

"Kid or not, she still had the fucking _audacity_ to start questioning me when I'm trying to keep her alive-"

"Johanna," I interrupt as well, "let it go."

Johanna narrows her eyes at me. She has some kind of disdain for me for some reason.

* * *

_"Finnick, I am going to leave you if you don't fucking move!" Johanna bellowed as she threw a gun over her shoulder, shooting whatever was behind her without even sparing the zombie a glance. Finnick staggered beside her, supporting Annie, who had just twisted her leg._

_"We can't go fast, Johanna," Finnick called. "Go ahead. We'll catch up."_

_"Finnick, you can't," Peeta interrupted quietly. "We're about to be surrounded."_

_"I can do this," Finnick insisted, but he was cut off soon enough._

_**BANG**._

_"Prim!" I yelled after one zombie had fallen. "Move!"_

_Prim, with an ashen face, had done so, scrambling into Gale's arms. We continued to press on, knowing we had to find someplace to stay, when we noticed then that the large crowd of zombies we were trying to kill was closing in on four struggling people._

_"Katniss!" Gale screamed. "Come on, we have to turn around!"_

_"No, wait!" I yelled at him over the moans of the undead. "There's people there!"_

_Gale's eyes flickered at my face doubtfully before he sighed._

_"Rue, get Prim out of here!" Gale ordered as he clicked his gun into place._

_Rue hurried to grab Prim, and they ran away as Gale and I charged forward._

**_BANG._**

**_BANG._**

**_BANG._**

**_BANG._**

_"Katniss!" Gale yelled above the shots. "Behind you-!"_

_I whirled around to shoot, but as I pulled the trigger, nothing happened. My gun was jammed. I slammed the end into the zombie's decaying green flesh, but all that did was lose me my gun and lose my lunch as the stench of the zombie overwhelmed my senses._

_It moved closer; its arm stretched out to grab me, to reach me-_

_"Gale!" I screamed, suddenly scared as I staggered backwards, trying to get away._

_"_Katniss_!" His cry was frantic, but even as he charged towards me, someone reached there first._

_**BANG**._

_Peeta's shot ran clear through the air, and he turned to look at me intensely when the zombie had fallen._

_"You okay?" he asked._

_"Y-yeah," I mumbled upon the sight of the boy with the bread. "Thank you."_

_Gale reached us then, his face sweaty and his body trembling._

_"God, Catnip," he said, "you sure know how to scare a guy." He then tugged me into a tight embrace, and it didn't matter if we were covered in dust, blood, and grime; we were just extremely relieved to have stayed alive._

**_BANG._**

**_BANG._**

**_BANG._**

**_BANG._**

_"There," Johanna spat. "Take that, motherfucking zombies."_

_Gale and I jerked apart to realize that Johanna had just killed all the remaining zombies, ultimately saving us- all of us. Prim and Rue joined us a second later, both of them shaking like gelatin during an earthquake. Bad analogy, bad times._

_"Odair, get your girlfriend out of here!" Johanna bellowed, and Finnick and Annie hurried off._

_"Johanna-" Peeta began, but he didn't get far._

_"Don't play the hero, Peeta." Johanna gave him a hard glare. "And you, girl with the braid, don't do that."_

_"Do what, exactly?"_

_"I dunno...need saving? Next time you need help, don't endanger my friends," Johanna warned._

_"She was just trying to help you," Rue cut in. "Katniss was being brave."_

_Johanna looked at Rue with a furrowed brow, unsure of what was going on with the young girl there._

_"Listen, I'm sorry we saved you." I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. "Next time I'll let you die."_

_"You killed like four zombies. Don't press your luck," Johanna said, but even she seemed to accept that we helped a little bit (at least begrudgingly). "Finnick, you got Annie? Let's get moving. Peeta, stay in the front while I take the back. We'd better get moving as fast as we can."_

_"Wait," Gale interjected. "Are you guys zombie hunters?"_

_"Nah, we just carry around guns and shoot at nothing cause we want to," Johanna deadpanned. "What are you, brainless? Of course we're zombie hunters. Now if you don't mind, we have somewhere to be."_

_I placed two arms on Prim and Rue's shoulders, taking this as an invitation to leave, but Gale persisted._

_"If you're zombie hunters, maybe you can join our team," he said. "We're hunters, too."_

_Johanna looked us over, practically sneering- two twelve-year-olds and two sixteen-year-olds? It was clear she didn't approve, and I know if I had been her I wouldn't have either. I was ready to cut our losses (not really losses) and go, but Peeta jumped into the conversation and changed everything._

_"There's safety in numbers, Johanna," he said. "And they _did_ save us."_

_Peeta looked at me in his quiet way, and suddenly Johanna seemed to accept this._

_"Fine," she grumbled, "but only unless you people don't screw up."_

_That was as close as we were going to get on a welcome, so we settled for it._

* * *

"Prim and I are going to explore," Rue says, breaking me out of my thoughts.

"Not outside, right?" I ask readily.

"No," Prim says. "Just around the house."

"Okay," I say nonchalantly, and the two girls run off together.

Johanna has stopped staring daggers at me by this time, and is instead grumbling about how no one listens to her and that we're all going to be dead by morning if we don't fucking move. Gale, Annie, Finnick, and I pretend we hear nothing; Annie even puts her hands over her ears and whispers to herself as it trying to block Johanna's words out.

"Want to head over and catch up with the girls?" Gale turns towards me.

"You go on ahead," I mumble. "I- I'd rather just sit here."

He nods slowly, picks up a gun, and goes off after them.

For a second it's quiet, minus Annie's murmurs.

"So," Johanna breaks the silence, "Gale's pretty hot."

I look at her weirdly. "What?"

"Take the bait and be jealous, bitch," Johanna huffs. "I'm trying to be an annoying teenage-style girl who is all gossipy and shit. Ever since we all became a big group- which was at least three months ago- you and Gale have had some big sexual tension. When are you gonna jump him?"

"_What_?" I stare dumbly. "I don't like Gale like that! He's my best friend!"

"Uh-huh. _Sure_." Johanna smirks and then goes over to get another can of canned food.

From where I stand, I falter slightly. _Does she really believe I like Gale?_

**BANG**.

Suddenly, we're all on our feet.

"_Rue_!"

**BANG**.

"Prim, get the _fuck_ out of here! Rue...Rue, stay with me! Don't close your eyes-"

Johanna and I both take off running. At the end of the house's hallway, we meet Prim, who's shivering and crying. I peer inside one of the rooms and see a dead (well, dead again) zombie on the floor, which must've been locked in whatever room they just entered. Gale is grabbing onto Rue's hand, who is gasping for breath and crying just as hard as Prim is.

The sight of Rue sickens me- clearly the zombie reached her before it died. Her stomach has been ripped open and there's so much blood everywhere- over Gale, over the floor, and soaking every article of clothing that Rue has on.

I hurry over to where they are, taking Rue's other hand.

Rue and I have always had a connection. I found Rue when we were looking for supplies in a house. She had been separated from her family and was painfully alone back then. She slowly began to trust me, and to trust Gale and Prim, and we all grew together like a family with each other's help...

"K-katniss," Rue gasps when she sees me, "don't- leave me."

"Of course not. I'm staying right here, okay?" I say as the tears well. "Gale- we have to save her!"

"We can't," Johanna says grimly from above us. "She's lost too much blood."

Prim tries to hurry in with the small amount of medical supplies we have, but Johanna pushes her back.

"Katniss...you have to win this war with the zombies," Rue pleads, changing the subject as she accepts her death. "Kill them- kill them all-" She pauses to wince in pain, and my hand grips tighter on hers, which is beginning to weaken in my hold.

"I'm going to, okay? I promise," I whisper, and my tears fall, splattering her wound. "I promise..."

"Can you sing to me?" Rue gasps once more as he gazes up at my face.

I falter slightly. For her, yes, but in front of everyone else...

"Of course, Rue," I whisper, and my vision becomes blurry as the tears keep coming. Taking a deep breath and trying not to choke on my tears, I begin softly:

_You told me you weren't perfect the day that I met you_

_You told me you weren't worth it, and that I would forget you_

_You told me you weren't beautiful, and that you wanted to change_

_You told me that you were the only one to blame_

_So as your tears fall down, I wipe them away_

_And as your cries grow louder, I will always stay_

_When you feel alone, I'll always be there_

_And when you call me crying, I'll simply ask you, "Where?"_

_You don't have to be perfect for anyone_

_You don't have to be beautiful for anyone_

_You have to be yourself, and not just a hue_

_You have to be yourself...because I love you_

* * *

The next day, I'm packing up the rest of the canned food into a bag when I feel someone's presence beside me. It's Johanna, and she fiddles with the bag strapped over her shoulder that contains guns almost nervously.

"Gale wants to bury Rue's body," she finally says. "He's thinking right in the backyard."

I don't want her buried there. I want her to be given an actual funeral, to be given an actual casket, to be given more than the backyard of the house she died in. I want her to be with her family, but we don't know if they're dead or who they are

"Okay," I mumble finally.

Johanna sees through me. "You don't think it's a good idea, do you?"

"I don't want her buried in a meaningless backyard," I admit. "So, yes, I don't think it's a good idea."

Johanna makes a sound that's a cross between a snort and a sigh. "We've gotta bury her somewhere, brainless. Unless you want to carry a bloody dead body along with you when we leave today, we have to bury her here."

I look down at the floor, feeling betrayed. "What does Prim say?"

"She's okay with it," Johanna replies. "Well, she can at least see why we have to."

I exhale. "Fine, bury her. We have to get moving soon."

Johanna stares at me, looking like she wants to add more, but she doesn't. Instead, she leaves.

When I'm finished with the cans, I sling the bag over my shoulder and go to the backyard. Everyone has things to carry: Johanna, the guns; Annie, the soap; Finnick, jugs of water; Gale, some knives, and Prim with the medical supplies, but right now nobody is moving even if we're all packed.

Gale is cradling Rue's limp body in his arms as Finnick digs a hole in the ground. Annie is crying, and so is Prim, but Annie's is more hysterical whereas Prim's is more subdued. Johanna stands stiffly and watches them all, but I see that a shadow has crossed over her face; she's upset.

After a good half hour, Gale finally lowers Rue's body into the hole. Finnick wipes sweat off his face and we all stand and survey her limp and bloody body, which seems even younger than twelve at this point in time. After a few seconds I realize that I've been clenching my fists, and I stop.

We trudge away from the house afterwards, going who-knows-where. Gale and Prim walk in front of me, and so do Finnick and Annie, but Johanna stays behind us at all times. It's not until we've walked a good hour or so that I feel the guilt tearing at me again.

Rue died, and so did Peeta. Rue was buried, but Peeta wasn't.

Everything that happens always goes back to Peeta, and how I will never stop owing him.

We find another house to stay in. This time, Johanna's brisk and on top of everything, making sure it's completely safe before we can stay there. Rue's death only put her on edge and made her more bossy, but that's how we know that Johanna cares.

I take a room with Prim, and we lie down on the bed together as the night falls.

"Katniss?" Prim whispers into the darkness after a few seconds. "Are you awake?"

It takes me a few seconds to whisper back a quiet, "Yeah."

"How do you feel about Peeta?"

That makes me do a double take. "Prim...Peeta is...he's-"

"I know he's dead," she cuts me off. "But how do you feel about him? Did you like him?"

"Of course I did...he was my friend," I say.

"I mean like-like," says Prim childishly. "Did you?".

"No, Prim," I say. "He was just my friend."

"_He_ liked you," Prim goes on, probably just needing to rant. "He told me."

"As...a friend," I say slowly, unsure as to why my chest tightens.

"_No_, he like-liked you. As in more than a friend."

I roll over slightly on the bed, slightly put off by this information, not sure what to do with it.

"Katniss?" Prim asks, and she tries to check if I've fallen asleep.

"Prim, I- I need to sleep," I say, changing the subject.

"O-oh. Okay. Goodnight, Katniss," she says gently, and she buries her face into my shoulder. A few minutes later she has drifted off, but I am stil wide awake in my own spot, just thinking about everything Prim has said. She wouldn't lie to me...

* * *

The next morning I find myself sitting alone with Annie, both of us scooping canned food into our mouths. Prim is off with Gale, learning more about shooting, and Finnick and Johanna are outside, talking about what to do next.

I give Annie a sideways look. She doesn't notice.

"Hey, Annie..." I pause, and she looks at me. "How do you feel about Finnick?"

After Prim's confession last night, I have been thinking it over, and wondering what exactly it is to like someone.

Annie gives me a look as if I'm the crazy one, not her. "I love him."

The way she says it so easily frightens me, but I continue, "How do you know?"

She shrugs. "You don't know; you just feel."

"But...how did you, uh, _feel_ that you loved him?"

"Love is dizzying," she says surely. "It's scary, too, but when you see that one person, you just feel it."

I nod, and I'm about to ask more, but then I notice that she's crying. Her body trembles slightly and she places her hands over her ears. mumbling inaudible words to herself as the tears slowly drip off of her face.

"Annie?" I lean over to her, unsure if I should comfort her.

She straightens up after a little bit and wipes at her eyes, giving me a small smile. "Excuse me." She then stands up and leaves, probably to find Finnick or just leave me behind.

_Did I say something?_

Gale and Prim come in shortly after Annie leaves, both of them laughing and talking. Gale has his gun slung over his shoulder casually and Prim has hers tucked into her arms protectively. Their faces are red with cold and their smiles wide and bright- in fact, they almost seem happy.

"Katniss!" Prim lights up to see me.

"Hi, Prim." I smile. "Been busy?"

"Yeah, Gale taught me a lot," Prim says eagerly.

"Good, because you suck," I tease. "You going to shower, little duck?"

"Oh...do I have to?" Prim wrinkles her nose.

"Yes, you smell," Gale chimes in, and Prim smacks his arm.

"Hey!"

"Go, Prim," I say laughingly, and Prim goes after she sticks out her tongue at both of us.

Since Gale and I are alone, I decide to question him.

"Gale, did you know that Peeta liked me?"

Gale immediately tenses. "What?"

"Prim told me Peeta liked me. I don't understand it, either," I say.

Gale doesn't look me in the eye as he says, "I didn't know that."

"Hmm," I mumble, but that's all I say before Gale looks at me curiously.

"Did you like him, too?" he asks.

"What? No! I- I mean, he was my friend, but..." I stop.

"Well," Gale mutters, "it's not like it matters."

His remark doesn't just hit a sensitive spot- it stabs it. Several times.

"Then maybe you shouldn't ask," I say icily, and Gale pauses.

"Catnip-"

"Forget it, Gale."

Gale looks away. "I think I'll go see what the others are up to."

"Fine."

I don't look at him, but Gale stops in front of me anyway.

"I didn't mean it, you know," he says gently, and as I turn to make a retort, he presses a kiss to my lips.

For a second I kiss back, but it's such a weird kiss that I have to stop and pull away.

I don't want a boyfriend. Having a future with any guy is something I am deathly against; it would mean falling in love, raising a family, and making attachments. In a world overrun by zombies, I do not want any of those things.

I'm about to say all those things, but Gale turns and abruptly leaves without a word.

* * *

_"You're out late," Peeta said, probably surprised to see me outside just like he was._

_"So are you," I muttered back, not caring if I came off as rude._

_"Well, it's a nice night," he said as he changed the subject._

_"Yeah," I said flatly. "Perfectly nice."_

_We sat on the doorstep of the house in silence._

_"I'm sorry, you probably don't want me here," Peeta then said awkwardly._

_"No, I don't mind," I said, even if I did because I wanted to be alone._

_He was quiet for a second before he asked, "Are you and Gale a couple?"_

_"No," I said defensively. "We're best friends."_

_Peeta nodded understandingly before he added, "Sorry, I just assumed you were."_

_"You assumed wrong," I snapped, and this caught his attention._

_"I don't mean to be rude," he said. "I was just asking, and I'm sorry if that came off wrong."_

_"I'm sorry too. I'm just tired of the assumption always being made."_

_"You get that a lot, huh?" Peeta asked knowingly. "I understand that."_

_"Yeah, all the time," I muttered. "It's crazy because I've never had a boyfriend before at all. Besides, it's not like Gale and I hold hands or kiss or anything like that. We just hang out together."_

_"I know. I just assumed because you two spend so _much_ time together."_

_"...You're not helping yourself here."_

_"Then tell me how I can help myself," he said, not teasingly, but genuinely._

_"For starters, you can tell me why you're out here," I said. "Isn't it dangerous?"_

_"I like being out here. It's nice, the air is cool, and it's just me and my thoughts. What about you?"_

_"I guess...the same thing," I said, surprised that he summed it up so well._

_"I don't even think I know your last name," Peeta said suddenly. "Can I ask you for it?"_

_"It's Everdeen. What's yours?"_

_"Mellark." Peeta paused. "Katniss...have you ever kissed anyone before?"_

_I stopped to stare at him. Was that supposed to be a pick-up line, or was it just creepy?_

_"I'm sorry," he said, embarrassed. "That was very rude of me to ask..."_

_"Why would you ask, then?" I questioned._

_"I'm curious." Peeta gave me a sideways smile. "I don't know a lot about you."_

_"...So you ask about kissing as the first thing?"_

_"I...I'm not helping myself here, am I?" Peeta blushed red, and I smiled a little at that._

_"It's okay," I said. "I don't mind if we...I don't know...get to know each other better."_

_"Okay," echoed Peeta. "So I'll start...I haven't kissed anyone before." He then grinned sheepishly, and I laughed._

_"Well, join the club," I said, not even caring as the words fell out of my mouth._

_"Seriously?" Peeta looked almost surprised._

_I became very self-conscious all of a sudden. "Yes, seriously."_

_Peeta just smiled again._

_"I should go and leave you to your thoughts," I said after a few seconds of awkward silence._

_"You don't have to," Peeta said, surprised. "I like having you here."_

_"No, I want to," I said, ignoring the last part. "I'm tired, anyway."_

_"Well, goodnight then, Katniss," Peeta said, and that was that._

* * *

I am sitting down on the bed that Prim and I share when Johanna enters the room.

"We're planning on leaving again tonight," she says curtly.

"Where to?" I ask tiredly. "Anywhere we find?"

"Isn't that always the case?" Johanna says flatly. "Anyway, start packing."

"Whatever," I mumble, and Johanna surveys me for another second or two before she plops down beside me.

"Something's eating you," she declares. "You now have to tell me."

"I don't really want to talk about it."

"I'm not asking, I'm demanding," Johanna scoffs. "Is it Rue?"

That does make me feel slightly guilty. I haven't even mourned her properly, which makes me feel wrong since I have been mourning my own issues about Peeta and how he liked me and how Gale kissed me, which are both trivial matters.

"Maybe," I say.

"You're really selfish about this, aren't you?" Johanna studies me carefully, and her eyes narrow the slightest bit. "You can't really be stuck in a world full of pity, you know. Rue was gutted by a zombie who tried to eat her. Peeta was probably eaten by zombies. I think you've got to move on."

"What if I can't?" I snap.

"Peeta was my next door neighbor," says Johanna, starting simple. "My family was killed before his eyes, and my family was killed before my eyes. We knew each other's pain, and we became very acquainted with each other's screams and cries. You don't think he meant a lot to me? Of course he did. I just had to give him up so I could survive. I think you need to do the same."

"You can't just give someone up." I feel something in my throat threaten to choke me as I think of Rue.

"Maybe," Johanna says, "but you can fool yourself to think you can."

She then stands up and leaves the room, calling back for me to start packing.

* * *

It's late at night when we begin our walk. Prim is half-asleep and hangs onto my arm, mumbling her protests about the icy air. Gale walks beside us, talking casually about things that aren't important. He doesn't mention the kiss at all. Johanna lags behind as usual, her gun poised and her body tense. Finnick and Annie amble ahead, both of them talking quietly.

It's quiet for a night, and just as chilly as we expected it to be.

_Click_.

We turn to see Johanna clicking her gun into place. Her face is as white as a sheet, and her fingers tremble dangerously, making the gun shake in her hands. We slowly turn back and stare in the original direction we have been walking in, and stare at least a few seconds in a stupor. It's Gale who is the first to speak.

"_Finnick! Annie_! Get the hell out of there!" Gale hurries to go towards them, his gun slinging over his shoulder.

Prim pales, and I shove her behind me as the zombies get closer.

"Prim, don't let them get you, okay?" I whisper, and she nods, her eyes wide.

**BANG**.

That's Gale's gun.

**BANG**.

That's Johanna's.

The moans rise louder as the undead surround us. Johanna swears. Prim whimpers. Gale gulps. Annie cries.

Finnick, however, does the worst thing: he flings himself into a group of zombies.

"_Finnick_!" Annie cries hysterically,and she reaches out for him, but Johanna jerks her arm away roughly.

"You're fucking stupid, Odair!" Johanna screams as the zombies tear him apart. "You- you- you _asshole_!"

"He's cleared a path for us. Go!" Gale shoves us all when we don't move, even if his face struggles to keep a serious demeanor on; he's clearly upset over Finnick's demise. Gale even carries Annie over his shoulder when she tries to go back, tries to share Finnick's fate, tries to die; he's taking charge when the rest of us can't.

Johanna won't accept it, and she fights against me as I try to jerk her back. Even as Finnick's blood spills over the cold ground, she screams his name- or curses it, rather- and shoots at the zombies over and over again, which doesn't help us as we try to get out of there.

"Johanna!" I finally yell. "Come _on_!"

She still struggles, even as I disarm her and grab her arm. The zombies have turned away from what used to be Finnick's body, and they're trying to get to us again, their limp arms outstretched and their horrible, gaping mouths open.

"Let me die here!" Johanna screams. "Let me go, Katniss! Let me _fucking_ die here!"

"It's not your fault, Johanna-"

"_Bullshit_! Let me die- let me- let me-" Johanna dissolves into sobs. "Fucking Finnick, being a hero. Fucking Peeta being a hero, too... You and Annie are a couple of lucky bitches, you know that, right? You two both had two great guys who loved you and sacrificed themselves for you..."

"Johanna, we need to move," I say as I jerk her arm, and she stumbles after me, still talking.

"No! Just let me die already-"

"Katniss," Gale interupts slowly, "where's Prim?"

_Prim_.

I jerk my thoughts away from Johanna. Prim- she was hanging onto me, but now she's not there as I turn around wildly. I see nothing but the approaching masses of zombies, and all the blood spilled on the floor. So much blood...

"_Prim_!" My cry comes out strangled. "N-no! _No_! Prim!"

"Katniss, move!" Gale bellows, but I'm trying to head back.

"_Prim_!"

Gale's strong arm grips me around my waist.

"Katniss-!"

I start to cry uncontrollable, stinging tears that streak down my raw, cold face and stay there. I can only stumble dumbly after Gale now, who calls to myself and Johanna as he carries Annie. My mind won't let me think about her- about my little sister, who was only twelve, and whose blood is mixed in with Finnick's on the cold ground.

Both of them will not get a funeral.

* * *

When we finally come across a house, the first thing Johanna does is go into a room and slam the door. Gale takes Annie to a room, where he whispers condolences and leaves her to cry herself out. Then he joins me in the living room where I stand stiffly staring out of a window.

"I'm so sorry, Katniss," he chokes out. "Prim-"

"I didn't even look for her," I whisper more to myself before I turn to stare at him. "I told her not to let herself get killed, and I got distracted by Johanna, and I didn't even look for her..."

"Katniss-"

"I couldn't protect my own sister." I let the beginning of tears prick my eyes. "I let her die, and I'm still alive..."

"_Katniss_-"

"I let Peeta die, and I'm still alive..."

"Katniss, it's not your-"

"I'm tired of that, Gale!" I explode. "Always with the 'it's not your fault' bullshit. Well, it _is_ my fault!"

"No, it isn't! You couldn't have done anything to change it."

"But I didn't even try. I should have tried, at least-"

"_You couldn't have tried_!" Gale yells. "There was no way for you to try!"

I look away. "S-she was my family..."

"I-I know."

"She was...she was all I had left," I whisper quietly.

"That's not true," Gale insists. "You have me, too."

I look at him quietly, and a single tear falls as I whisper, "Do I?

* * *

I leave the house that night to go back.

There's nothing distinguishable on the ground; instead, there is blood everywhere. Finnick's in the spot we saw him get killed, and what seems to be Prim's farther away, but as I mentioned, I am not sure. As I take in the horrific sight- _my sister was only twelve years old_- I fall down on my knees and throw up.

I retch when I'm done, gasping through my burning throat. My body shivers excessively, and it's not just the cold that makes me. It's the horror. The raw, burning horror that goes through every part of my body that fits so well with the guilt.

What really sickens me is that fact that I am alive when Prim is dead.

When I turn away from the spot where my little sister died, my head begins to throb. I can't go back to the house we have occupied. Not like this. Instead, I stagger on, heading backwards when, in a situation like this, I should keep moving forward.

The morning is just dawning when I reach the alley where Gale found me, and where I realized that Peeta was dead. It's not home- not by a long shot- but that was just the place where I was okay. Where my life wasn't spiraling out of control.

And all because of Peeta Mellark.

"I hate you," I whisper into the cold morning air. "I hate you so much..."

A tear drips down my cheek. Just one.

Finally I clench my fists and move away from the spot, my stomach clenching in pain. I can't stand the feeling that haunts me; it's as if my body is punishing me over Prim's death, over Peeta's death, and even over Finnick's.

Finnick saved us all, but we couldn't do anything for him.

Peeta saved me, but I couldn't even thank him.

Prim didn't save herself, but I couldn't save her, either.

"Well, don't step on me."

I jump backwards at the voice, and my hand reaches for a gun that isn't there.

"Peeta?" The name slips out even when I don't intend to let it. After all, there's no way he's-

"Mind not saying that so loudly? I don't exactly want the zombies to come finish me off."

I look down, and I see Peeta's brilliant blue eyes shining back. I didn't even notice that I had wandered into a small stream, let alone that Peeta was beneath my feet. No, scratch that, I wouldn't have noticed anyway; Peeta is camouflaged brilliantly, with his whole body coated with mud.

"Peeta...," I whisper quietly, and I bend down beside him. "How are you...alive?"

Peeta laughs weakly. "When you guys left, I tried to hide as well as I could. How do you think it's going so far?"

I smile a little bit, but my throat chokes up a second later. "Peeta...I'm sorry."

"What for?" he asks right away. "There's nothing you should be sorry for."

"I- I left you to die."

"Hey," he says seriously, "I wasn't about to let _you_ die. That was all I needed to let myself live."

"Why?"

"You know why," Peeta says quietly, and his eyes scan mine cautiously.

I'm quiet before I say, "I think I do."

He smiles, his white teeth shining from the mud. "Good. Now can you, uh, help me out of this?"

I help him get rid of the caked mud and help him to his feet. Afterwards, he explains everything that happened: the zombies didn't kill him as we thought, but instead they chased him. When he fell in the stream, however, they stopped looking, and he decided to hide himself there.

"It wasn't bad," he finishes. "I just had to live on muddy water and grass the past few days."

"Why didn't you move?" I ask.

"I couldn't," he says, and he gestures to his leg. "I broke my ankle when I fell."

I'm silent once more. I don't know what to do, or what to say. This is getting too awkward.

"It'll heal, though," Peeta says. "Maybe I can just hop to the nearest house and-"

"Rue died," I interrupt him.

Peeta's face falls. "Rue? But she was so young and-"

"Finnick died, too," I add, and my voice shakes. "And so did Prim."

Peeta's face now looks crestfallen. "Katniss-"

"No." I shake my head. "Don't say you're sorry. None of it-" Here I swallow thickly. "None of it was your fault."

"I wasn't going to say sorry," Peeta says, and he hops a little towards me, just reaching over and taking me into his muddy arms. I let him hold me, his face buried in my hair and my arms clenched tightly around his waist. It feels so good that I don't ever want him to let me go.

"I'm alone now," I whisper to him. "My family is gone."

"I know." Peeta doesn't say anything more as he holds me slightly tighter. "But we're going to get through this. You and me, we're going to get through this together. Okay?"

"Okay," I echo as we pull apart. "Um...Peeta?"

"Yeah?"

"I kind of came back here without telling anyone...so Johanna is going to freak out."

Peeta laughs. "You're amazing, Katniss; do you know that?"

I look down. "I don't think so."

"Well, I do," says Peeta surely. "So, what do you say we go back and watch Johanna freak out, then?"

I look up at him. His blue eyes watch me carefully, and he slowly reaches out to take my hand. I quickly pull it back before he can touch me, though, and I shyly shift a little ways backwards. It's weird, knowing he liked me- or likes me. I'm so broken, so horribly broken, that I know he shouldn't like me anymore.

It's then when I realize we're all alone: Gale, Johanna, Annie, Peeta, and myself, but we still have each other.

"Let's go," I say, and something surges in my stomach- uneasiness?- as Peeta smiles.

_Maybe I'm not as alone as I thought._

* * *

**I...don't like this. It's so OOC that it's not even funny.**

**Um...I'd really like to thank you guys for reading it (or suffering through it), and I would also like to say that I love reviews...and I would really like some feedback on this. I really only post these horrible things of writing so people can tell me how to get better (and not even that, you can just tell me if you liked or hated it).**

**Thanks!**


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